How To Make a Magical Sword

Yes, I know, we all need a magic sword, but I get tired of philosophical arguments; Blake, where can I find a magic sword? Blake, how powerful will I be if I pull one out of a rock?

Well, enough's enough. Here is the basic point-by-point methods you can employ to try to get your own sword. Please note that these are all proven methods; TV has confirmed that they all work. And furthermore, if you're stubborn, just start adventuring until you figure out your own.

Special Note: If you do not know how to wield a sword, you can quickly learn here.

Just Because You Have One, Doesn't Mean You've Won.

Rule #1 in making, finding, or being given a magic sword is this: Never throw your sword in a lake. It's just stupid! Some lady is out there, man! What were you thinking?

Aside from that, you have a ton of other problems coming your way. For example, there's every other guy who wants a sword. You think everyone else wants to go through what you just did? I don't think so. Furthermore, it's a well-known fact that each magical sword automatically comes with it's own villain alert tracking device, which basically tells them where you are, if you are sleeping, if the weapon is resting out of your reach, etc.

So please. Be careful once you get it. I had one awhile back; it was just too much trouble and I threw it in a volcano (no, not that volcano).

Yes, they are more trouble than they are worth.

It might surprise you, but one of the easiest ways to get a magic sword is to work with elves; unfortunately, I am forbidden by a non-disclosure agreement to giving out any names (cough, cough....thanks Elrond). But what I can relate is the experience from one of my friends. Basically, his dad had broken his magical sword and needed remaking; that was when he, foolishly, made a deal with some pointy-ears. In the end, he did get his weapon, but not until he ran multple quests and errands, married the lord's daughter, and received some elf-harassment letters.

Here's what I can tell you. The elves, particularly of the non-cute variety, make the best magical swords; but you should be aware, up front, that elves are greedy and finding one is near impossible. Besides, most of them have a "blame humanity" mentality, meaning they don't want to help you in the first place.

Special Mention: The worst elves to get involved with: The cookie elves. Do not work with cookie elves. They'll make you pay an arm and a leg, make you wait in a treehouse all month, and then hand you a piece of dough with sprinkles and fudge for a hilt. It's a total scam.

Probably the Best Choice

Ironically, as tricky and cunning as they are, wizards are the easist means of acquiring a magical sword. (Disclaimer: If you are a wizard, read no further).

Basically, wizard swords are worthless; there's always something wrong with them. That's why they hang out in bazaars and trade markets with the weapons sitting out in the open. Ever notice nobody steals one? Well, now you know.

The typical wizard sword does have its advantages; some will come with sharper edges, others might shoot fire, and some will freeze your enemy in his tracks. That's always great; that's when its working. But then, there's the moment you get home and you're eating your porridge. The sword starts glowing or smoking or turning into a monster. That's when you slap yourself on the forehead and exclaim, "I knew I shouldn't have bought a wizard sword!"

Yeap, that's the worst. Then you're scrambling around looking for your return receipt while the sword is destroying your house. And, guess what? The wizard never seems to be around anymore...

Don't Knock it, It works.

If you've given up the previous methods, then there's always one last option: wander around until you come upon a rock with one sticking out. All you'll need to do is head away from civilization, far away. Keep going; that's it; farther. Just keep going...

I know this sounds crazy, but it's been documented. There are magic swords in big, heavy rocks; of course, every now and then, it turns out to be a trick sword (I also know of a group of elves that like to plant fake swords in rocks).

The exact time length needed to accomplish this varies. One of my friends was part of a "Merlin" prophecy (don't get me started on him); it only took him a few weeks. On the other hand, everyone else I've sent out on the "Wandering Big Rock Quest" has yet to return. I figure they've just given up.

The Magic Sword. I sell you for $12.99.

The Sword in the Stone (45th Ann.). How about $14.99? I throw in cartoon.

The Legend of the Liquid Sword. Yes, they make them out of water, too. $13.49, ok for you? I throw in Kung Fu extra, no charge.

Have your own experience making a magical sword? Are you a wizard or elf in need of promoting your sword making? Feel free to comment here. (P.S. I'll be updating this lens with further info on magic sword finding and making).